Fergilicious Definition: Queen Of The Buttafaces

I was having one of those rare days when I actually listened to the radio and an Akon song was on. It was great for awhile until they come on with some of that Fergie garbage. She is one of the very few artists that forces me to bark at the radio, literally. Her song "Fergilicious" gets way too much air play for a shitty song.

I find it HILARIOUS how hot she thinks she is in the song. She talks about working on her fitness and she definitely should. Fergie is a buttaface! For those that don't know ... a buttaface is someone who has everything, BUT a face. The best evidence is from Buttafaces.com. Fergie needs to work out even more to get that body to the point where it can distract from her face.

Fergie suffers from the Cinderella effect. I can't remember who coined the term, but the Cinderella effect is when so many people tell an ugly girl that she's hot, she starts to believe it. You will see this taking place at the bar all the time. After all the real attractive girls turn a bunch of guys down, those guys will start to go after the fugly girls. The fugly girls will get so much attention that they mistake it for them actually being cute.

This is the perfect time for me to throw another definition at you ... the Make Up Artist. I'm not talking about the actual job, but the girls who have taken their make up to a high art. Most women are experts at their make up, but some women can use their little "kits" to go from ugly to fabulous. Why some women are obsessed with the word fabulous is a whole other annoying subject. Anyways, the Make Up Artists will put their game face on for the club, but if some unlucky guy wakes up to her the next morning, he's gonna be in for a shock. I think Dane Cook has the best description of what the girl looks like in the morning: Lagoon creature.

Fergie doesn't exactly fit into this last category, but she looks 100 times worse in her old videos with the Black Eyed Peas. You can tell that they actually kept the light away from her face to hide the craters. Success can buy a whole team of make up pros and stylists.

In closing, it is perfectly fine if you weren't born with good genes, but don't fall victim to the Cinderalla effect. Sure looks aren't everything, but they are still important. Don't try to cheat your genetics too much, because the gene pool is already filled with too many stupid people and no big animals to eat them.

Sex Tapes Of Stupid People ...

The most popular celebrity PR stunt these days is the sex tape. The Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape started everything. Their sex tape was a cult phenomenon and had the unique distinction of actually being stolen. The tapes that followed were likely released in brokered deals by B list stars.

You've heard of the Paris Hilton sex tape that made her famous (or infamous depending on your viewpoint). Not too soon after, many B list celebrities tried to achieve the same fame by selling their own sex tapes. It is a very long list of celebrity losers that includes: Tonya Harding, former wrestler Chyna, and even Britney Spears.

Many of the recently "leaked" tapes feature B list stars who act shocked and appalled at the tapes release. The truth is that many have been proven to have sold the rights to their tapes. These people that are desperate for media attention, hope to gain A list celebrity and monetary compensation for their badly edited sex tapes.

The most recent addition to this industry is, Page 3 model, Keeley Hazell. She has told the press how upset she supposedly is. It was not too long ago that fellow Page 3 model, Jordan, had a sex tape of her own "leaked". It is possible that many of these low profile stars had nothing to do with their tapes being sold, but it was their stupidity that created the videos.

Whether you are in the public eye, or just a college kid, you should have few enough brain cells to avoid sex tapes. I don't care how much you trust your partner, usually things go bad. If you truly are upset that your "private" tapes end up on the internet, then don't be stupid enough to make them in the first place. On the other hand, if you want the tapes to be spread around the world, then don't pretend to be upset.

The list of sex tapes is going to increase every year and if you are dumb enough to film any sex acts, then your ass belongs on the internet. The phenomenon has gotten so large, that even Wikipedia has opened a Celebrity Sex Tapes section on their site.

Just remember kiddies, once your ass is on the internet, you can never get it off. This has been a PSA from the Keep Your Ass Off Of The Internet Foundation.

Fuck Paris Hilton ... Dozens Probably Already Have ...

Paris Hilton is stupid? Well that's one of those questions that people already know the answer to. Some have argued that she isn't as dumb as she looks and that she is just acting. Well I personally think it would be even more pathetic to act that stupid, than to actually be that stupid.

Besides, from what I've seen in reviews, she's a horrible actor. She can't sing and can't act, but she has other skills. Those other skills were witnessed in her infamous sex tape. She should just finally stop putting it off, get breast implants, and become a porn star. It's the only thing she will ever be good at.

Any interview that she does is silenced by the collective crying of mothers all over the world. Watching the women that their daughters seem to idolize, ruin the dreams they have of raising a lawyers or doctors. The best example of this can be seen in the South Park episode that spoofs Paris Hilton for being a "stupid spoiled whore".

Another interesting segment was done my TMZ.com, when they read hate mail to Paris Hilton. I can't find the direct link, so you will have to do some digging around for it, but I remember laughing uncontrollably. One of the memorable moments was when one hate mail writer compared Paris to a fart in a mitten. Anyways, it will be worth tracking down for those with some ambition.

Now an interesting thought ... who is Paris Hilton's biggest group of fans? Pedophiles! For those that are lucky enough to not know the meaning of that word, a pedophile is an adult who is attractive to young children. Where is the connection? Well Paris Hilton is so skinny that she does not have the body of a women. If someone were living under a rock, and didn't know who Paris Hilton was, then they could easily mistake her dumb ass for a young girl. Now those sex offenders can watch her sex video without fear of going to jail. SO ....

Congratulations Paris, you have the body and intellect of an underage girl ... no wonder they seem to like you so much.

Fed Up With Federline and Britney Spears

I really am tired of Kevin Federline aka "Crap Fed" and Britney Spears aka "Wear's my undies?". It was mildly entertaining for about five minutes, but now even I'm FED UP! Publicists get paid thousands to carefully craft an artists image to sell to the masses. Now you can see that Britney Spears has just about lost every ounce of that, once held, image.

Britney has gone from an American pop icon to just another piece of trailer trash that is waiting for a call from the Jerry Springer show. After 2 kids, a divorce from a wanna be white rapper, she's just about ready for the talk show circuit.

The sad part is the kids are going to suffer. They have no choice of who their parents are, but I can definitely see some drug and alcohol problems in their futures. You will notice I didn't mention Brit's ex very much. This is because I hope if ignored, he will go away. No matter how bad Britney has gotten, she can never be nearly as annoying as Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton, although she has tried to learn how from them recently.